Happipeace

Happiness is an interesting thing, and has involuntarily been on my mind for quite some time now. I have unexpectedly been very aware of it over the past year in my own life....I tell you, it has completely taken me by surprise in such a wonderful way. And sometimes in those moments, I just stop and cry some grateful tears, because I didn't know I could feel 100% pure happiness and contentment in my heart...and to be honest, I wasn't aware I was missing it.

I'll explain a bit...

Having gone though some deep personal trials over the past several years (that I have mentioned here before {HERE} ), ones that dealt directly with my mental heath, and straight-to-the-heart deep personal demons, that have been hiding out in the corners of my mind. Panic and Anxiety. For a time in this trial, peace in my own mind was a daily struggle that I woke up to every morning (and sometimes, in the middle of the night like a bolt of lighting).  Before and even during this trial, I thought I was happy and totally fine, I could always enjoy daily activities, trips, date nights and special events well enough. Even when I started with my doctor I was so sure I was a perfectly happy person---I mean, I had no reason to be otherwise, right? Great family, beyond amazing husband and overall, a pretty darn fun-filled life. I have always felt incredibly blessed. But looking back from where I stand now, I can see so clearly that while it's true, I always was happy but at the same time, there was ALWAYS a kind of doom & gloom cloud hovering over me almost at all times, ever since I was little. But for me it was normal and I didn't know there was another way you could live. I also didn't think there was anything wrong with it, until the panic started. Even when I went to my doctor I was just focused on stopping the panic attacks, I didn't even think that the day to day anxiety could be calmed. What an incredible blessing and surprise. 

Anxiety can rob us a little bit, of even our most happy moments, it's always at work with the "what if's", and if you deal with anxiety, you know these little devils all too well. If you are having a wonderful outing with family and friends, taking photos, smiling and laughing, enjoying each others company. Unknown to others, there is a plot twist running in the background of your mind, of the bad things that could happen almost at any moment---just an underlying cloud of gloom. Luckily for those of us who deal with such a thing (whether it be this, depression, OCD or the like), it is simply a chemical imbalance and there is great help and resources out there. Elder Holland gave such an amazing talk on this matter in the last conference in his talk 'Like a Broken Vessel'. One of my favorite quotes was, "Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." I know for a fact that this is so, so true. I am a product of the healing he spoke of, even when I thought I couldn't be, here I am. I know that it is because of my faith, blessings I have been giving (and my faith in them), fervent and frequent prayers, scripture study, temple visits...we are so fortunate that in the church we have endless ways of calling peace to our hearts. There were countless nights that my panicked mind would keep me up into all hours of the night and early mornings. The only thing (besides keeping Brody up, talking and watching something funny) that brought true peace into my otherwise un-peaceful state, was to plug in my earphones and listen to General Conference on my phone laying there in bed. Only then was I able to relax enough to fall back asleep. It still makes me emotional to think of those times that the words of our Prophet and leaders of the church could be there for me at anytime helping to bring the spirit into my heart and calm the raging storm. 

I know that no matter what, these storms will come in life, and everyone's storm is different, they are designed to help us and make us stronger, happier children of God---If done right. And even through the storms might be different, generally the way we come back to peace is the same, with the same Gospel tools. And I find myself so grateful for these experiences to grow. When you deal with something like anxiety where you are fighting in your own mind for peace and well being, most of the time beyond our control. Holding onto faith can be tough, but when exercised, it is always possible. Anxiety is mostly fear of the unknown, and faith is the exact opposite.  They are like oil and water. They don't mix well and butt heads constantly. But in my determination to get beyond this, I dug my heels in a while ago and prayed harder when needed, and worked harder to each day put a little bit more behind me (sometimes I would have set backs, and that's ok too). But when it gets tougher, you have to fight harder. And in my case this couldn't be fully done without the wonderful medical help I have been able to get, the support from my wonderful husband and family and simply just being patient in giving it and myself the time it needed. It might be a mix of getting older, the help I have gotten with balancing my levels and just everything I have been though proving I am stronger than before, but for the first time in a LONG time, I feel 100% present in my own life. Things look clearer, sharper, more confident and the future looks MUCH more optimistic in my own head. I still have some panicked times (it's not 100% gone or perfect by any means. The panic hasn't fully changed, but I have.), but now I have control over them. I see it all differently than I used to, and I know I personally couldn't be where I am now, if not for where I have been and for the help and healing of my Father in Heaven. 

So during this time of the year of Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for not only getting the panic under control, but for the unexpected gift of having my day to day anxieties calmed (and I don't mean I am now void of normal stresses. I am talking about daily unrealistic fears)---so that I can fully enjoy all my wonderfully happy days without my little friend the gloom cloud! I just love being in those happy moments as times before, but now searching my heart and not finding any evidence of anxieties! It's truly amazing! and I honestly feel like I have a new life and fresh start lately! It just keeps getting better, I thought I was in a good place with it all a year ago, but to my surprise it just keeps getting better and improving in ways I never expected...Life is so good! : )

Like I said in my other post, I could go on and on in more detail on these things (and others) and the experiences I've had, but I will leave it at this for now. : ) I don't share these stories because I feel I am unique in these trials and experiences, I share them because I know I'm not. And I hope that the more I share, the more it might be able to reach others who are going through something similar. All these thoughts float around in my head, so I'm writing it all out on the side as it comes to me, as well as sharing it here at times...

And as always...no matter what you are going through, or someday when you find a little gloom cloud in your path...there is ALWAYS hope and there is ALWAYS peace and happiness ahead, and when they come together, I call that "Happipeace" : )