I have been thinking about writing this for a while now, I'm not sure why, but it's really been nagging at me to write about my recent experience with personal trials. I have started this post so many times over the past year and a half or so. All I know is, I am going to follow the feeling to do so. As some of my readers may know, we have had a hard time starting our family so far. Over the past couple years I have had 2 miscarriages.
My first miscarriage I ended up having a D&C. When they did the ultrasound, the sac was there, but no fetus. The sac was much larger than it should have been and my doctor said that I could ether have the D&C or wait for it to happen naturally and then head to the ER to pass it. Since it was too large, she said it would be similar to giving birth, with contractions and pain, and in her experience it would be best to be at the hospital with pain killers and such, for the size and so forth. I went ahead and chose the D&C, and while there aren't any great options in cases like these, I felt that I would follow my doctors recommendation. The D&C went great, and the next day I was up and about helping my Mom shoot a wedding, moving along with life as normal. The D&C was a little weird for me. It took something so personal and made it feel kind of cold, sterile and impersonal. But, I still think it was the right thing to do for me. This miscarriage was an interesting one for me, I think because there wasn't a baby, this one was easier to move on from than if there would have been something living that had died. It was as if I wasn't really pregnant at all. There was still disappointment, but for me, no real loss.
My 2nd, was a bit more intense for me. We went in on a Monday to get our ultrasound and see how things were doing. The ultra sound looked good, she thought, and we excitedly went on our way. Wednesday morning I woke up spotting and didn't feel right. I called the doctor to see what she thought---I ended up going in for blood work, which showed my levels had dropped off. We did another ultrasound, and sure enough, the baby we were introduced to just a couple days before this had died (After this appointment, I took a drive alone and cried. I have never cried so hard for so long before in my life. And as you can imagine, I had several hard days after that as well). It was devastating news for us, and again I was faced with choices on how I wanted to carry this out. I had the choice of D&C again, a pill that would speed things up, or just waiting it out. At this point having done the D&C, and the fact that there was no reason this time to take that option, I ended up just waiting it out.
It wasn't until almost 5 weeks later that I finally started spotting at about 6pm Sept 2nd. I didn't start heavily bleeding until later that night, just before midnight. The bleeding was so steady and heavy that I ended up just staying in the bathroom. Then I was throwing up (I couldn't even keep water down for more than a min or so) about every 10 mins and going into very intense cold sweats and then I started blacking out more frequently and for longer periods of time. At this point I had been through almost 7 hours of that, and it was about 7am the next morning. I was spent, I could barely stand and was simply looking for some relief. I called my doctor and she said we could meet at her office and take a look at things. On the drive over I blacked out again, and woke up to Brody calling my name and I was covered in blood up to my elbows (still don't now how that happened). I remember Brody pealing out of the parking lot he had stopped in for a bit to try to regain my concision's, I remember telling him to calm down that it was going to be ok we just needed to get to my doctors. But, if I was in his position I would be a little freaked too, haha. I did my nervousness AFTER it was all over. : )
We got to my doctors office, she took a look at things and saw that I wasn't even half way done passing this miscarriage. In a follow up appointment my Doctor called me "fragile" (we laugh about this, because she immediately felt bad for calling me that). She went on to explain that, she said that because we found out that my body doesn't handle a miscarriage at 14 weeks very well, that everyones body handles these things differently, and each miscarriage can be different. Looking back at what I went though I know for a fact that I am anything BUT fragile, and I did the exact right thing for me. In fact, if I had known, I would have gone into her earlier.
She ended up taking the remainder of tissue out and I rested at the office for a bit sipping water and apple juice until they were sure everything looked fine. The kinda funny thing about that morning was that Brody had to take his car over to the car wash to get the blood out of the passenger seat. He was there right when the place opened that morning, alone, and asking them to take extra care to the passenger seat because it was really bloody. haha. To this day, I laugh wondering what the employees must have thought that was a little suspicious. Pretty sure they took down his info and date/time. ; )
I'm so thankful for my doctor and the relief she was able to provide me at that time. And so grateful for the love and support Brody has been for me through all of this! This miscarriage was much different than the first, and only because this time we had a real loss and it truly broke our hearts.
Since my last one in September of 2009, I haven't fully felt normal. We came to find out that my hormones were pretty out of whack, most likely because of my miscarriages. We weren't conceiving, I was gaining weight abnormally, my skin and hair changed, fatigue, anxiety, increasingly frequent panic attacks and more. I never knew a hormone imbalance could be the cause of so much. I am now fortunate enough to be able to work with a wonderful doctor who specializes in hormone therapy as well as the panic and anxiety. I have been working with her since this past fall, and things are going great! My levels are back where they should be, and I think we are making such great progress with the panic. Our next step will be to work with a fertility specialist. There might be more challenges ahead in regards to this. But, I know whatever else we have to go through, will be more than worth it!
I know for a fact that having children is in our future. I feel strongly that each every choice I made along the way was the right one for me personally, and I would do it again. I know that these have not so much been physical trials for me, but more emotional and spiritual ones. This isn't as much about my mortal body, as it has been about facing my personal fears head on, my eternal progression, growth of my testimony, being pushed to see that I am stronger than I thought, and ultimately, growing closer to my Heavenly Father. It has strengthened even more my testimony of Priesthood blessings, personal prayer, personal inspiration and so many other things.
And, it's still going...as I continue to overcome these personal struggles. Having gone through this, I have never been more sure that these trials are not given to us by mistake and are very much tailored for us personally. Others may look upon them and find them easy, maybe even silly and weak, but I guess that's why they are mine and not theirs---and they have trials of their own, that others may not think of as a burden ether. Everyone is different, everyone has these weakness and trials, big or small, that is why we are here on this earth, and no one should never feel bad or ashamed about them. If we were all perfect, there would be no need for us to be here. Heavenly Father knows my heart, and knows what is best for me and when. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father sees fit that I go through these trails and is preparing me for something greater than I can see now and for the blessings that are in store for us. I am sure they will taste that much sweeter now. These things keep us moving and progressing in the gospel, instead of sitting idol gathering moss.
I could have another long post on this past General Conference (and maybe at some point I will). There were so many wonderful talks and quotes about trials in this life. One example that stuck out was a doctor speaking with a cancer patient about how he would be after a surgery. He said that so many people ask if they will be back to normal or the same after the surgery, and he would respond, "No, you will be so much stronger." I thought this was so lovely, how he related it to any trials that arise in our life. That we should not be looking and longing for life as it was before---we should be learning and growing from it, and seeking from these trials a better life becoming with each one a stronger and better person. I believe that is the hope of our Heavenly Father for each of us when he gives us these tests, to try us and move us forward. It's a wonderful thing!
There is so much more I could write, and if I read it again, there will probably be much more I wish I would have said, but I will leave it at this for now. I hope most of it made sense. I was simply writing from my heart as it came. It has been a period of growth for me and I am grateful it. I am starting to see that all of this is helping me in more ways than I had ever thought. I know that if you do these things right and with the help of the Lord, there is always hope and always an end to the trials we are given. I am so very optimistic and excited for our future and all the wonderful things we have ahead of us!!
Life is good! : )
